Heather shows up at the spa to meet Meghan. It’s actually a restaurant but there’s something about the Orange County aesthetic that makes every room with a podium at the door feel like a spa. In any case, no one is surprised to hear that Meghan’s unsupervised stepdaughter Hayley threw a 200-person (I have the number right because Meghan repeats it) party while they were out of town. Her mother who we are constantly reminded is basically on her deathbed decides to deny Hayley “Stagecoach” as punishment. What is this Stagecoach? I feel like it’s the teenage equivalent of a dirtbag bar. In any case, Heather reports in an interview that if her kid threw an unauthorized party they’d lose everything including hair and teeth. I do not believe this at all.
At this point we are pointedly reminded that Shannon is late.
It’s impossible to watch any scene involving Tamra’s wayward son, Ryan, and his baby mama, Sarah without thinking of his recent arrest for domestic abuse. This scene is supposedly about Tamra’s Mom going on a blind date, but Ryan and Sarah’s baby girl, in Tamra’s arms, distracts me.
Shannon finally shows up at the spastaurant, looking and behaving like the textbook definition of hot mess. She demands a report of how many cocktails Meghan and Heather have had because she’s “behind” when it is abundantly clear that she is far, far ahead. Shannon is quick to announce her Aries party that Friday, which is really an opportunity to talk about Brooks’ cancer(?). Because who really knows what an Aries party is anyway?
As pure reportage I should mention that they caption Meghan when I think what she says is perfectly intelligible even if it is totally insane. So Meghan impersonated someone with cancer to find out whether or not the doctor Brooks is seeing treats cancer patients. Guess what? He doesn’t! Shannon then reports this damning story: Brooks never made it to his appointment with her super specialist oncologist because he had two flat tires. Think about that.
Shannon is blown away by all these revelations because she is full-on Team Vicki but also because she is waysted.
Ryan on his grandmother’s blind date Marty: He seems legit.
Ryan on the money Tamra gave him for a security deposit: It’s a family thing.
Ryan on his baby mama, Sarah, whom he has subsequently been arrested for assaulting: I don’t know if I want to get married. I went too fast. It’s f*ing hard. Three kids and a pregnancy; what do you expect?
Meghan is young enough to get away with doing her own hair and gossip at the same time. Douchey Jimmy listens to her recount the tale of how she tracked down Brooks’s ex to verify a comment she made on someone else’s blog about him faking cancer. Does this sound labyrinthine and stalkerish to you? I thought so. Anyway, guess what? Brooks has faked cancer before. Supposedly. It’s such a batshit juicy story that Meghan gets to retell it immediately at the Aries party to Shannon, Tamra and Heather.
Shannon on this whole cancer situation: They should shut the story down.
Brooks on Meghan’s investigation: Why me?
Heather’s husband, Terry, has no childcare responsibilities. Is that crazy only to me?
Finally, the man of the hour shows up for battle. Brooks jumps right in, immediately requesting a “couple” meeting with Jimmy and Meghan. See, Brooks just wants to understand Meghan’s motivation for contacting his ex girlfriend. It both “breaches his boundaries” and strikes him as “kinda nuts.”
Meghan trots out her whole Powerpoint presentation on why Brooks’s cancer situation is fishy, and then everything just sort of stalls out in a really unsatisfying way that makes one wonder, knowing as we do that Vicki and Brooks have broken up in real life, what the resolution of this could possibly be. Is Brooks a paid “actor” on Bravo’s payroll, this whole fake cancer story a concoction of Andy Cohen? Just one hypothesis.
The foursome moves on to some other trivia I can’t bring myself to detail here; the important part is that Tamra’s testimony is called into evidence and immediately questioned by Brooks who says, shrewdly, “Consider the source.”
Meghan wastes no time relaying this tasty morsel to Tamra (Interestingly, Jimmy says to Meghan, “You have to stop, You have to stop,” about her incessant shit stirring and for like maybe a third time I find myself agreeing with him to the point where I may have to stop calling him douchey). Personally, I didn’t think it was an all-out declaration of war—Tamra is not famous for her reliability--but it inflames her nonetheless. “Game on, dude,” she says, marching over to Brooks to confront him, huffing, “Consider the source, Consider the source.” This is a woman who has a televised record of lying to friends’ faces. A woman who has recently found Jesus. A woman whose husband watches from ten feet away while eating noodles with Aries-red chopsticks.