“I start charities, Meghan.”
Oy, Shannon, I want to be on your side, but this is not a sentiment I can really get behind. Meghan then says, “We can end this peacefully.” It pains me to record these words because they are irrefutably diplomatic, and I am attached to the idea that Meghan is essentially a talking doll, or as Shannon calls her, little “Miss 30-year-old.”
As a witness to this whole mystifying Tamra-Meghan showdown, Tamra remarks: “I think there’s more to it. I think there’s something other than what’s presented.” And this, friends, is all that is said to explain David needing a shot of tequila (he may be a "new" drinker but he's catching on quick) and Shannon doing her stiff-jawed angry thing. There's definitely "more to it," and by "more to it" I mean Shannon simply detests and distrusts pretty, young Meghan who is surprisingly also flabbergasted. And embarrassed. All Meghan purportedly wants is help with a wine procurement party for charity for God's sake! Then she goes so far as to get all diplomatic on me again, saying she “didn’t want it to end that way and I feel awful. “ And I say, well played, Meghan and the producer who is feeding you lines.
Vicki returns from her Oscars of real estate and, while she feels bad about not being there for the man she loves through his chemotherapy, she’s not going to give Brooks coffee enemas. No way.
Back at Meghan’s house we meet Melissa, her “assistant,” who “…runs errands, cleans the house, protects us, she’s a friend that I pay,” according to Meghan. Can we go back to that second-to-last item… “Protects us.” From what? Meghan pets Melissa on the head and says “my little pet.” I need to see more of this duo in action. I am willing to bet that the two of them get deep into the Chardonnay on your average Tuesday afternoon.
Back to Heather’s fucking house. Yes, we get it, Heather, it’s big. Boy is it a lot of work to oversee the tens of people who work on it. “As usual, it’s another job for me,” Heather complains. Do you hear that women of America? Building a multimillion-dollar house is another job for Heather, who has no “job” to start with. YES, it's a tremendous amount of work raising kids; just ask the millions of Moms who have actual "jobs" (which involve trading their time away from the home for money). When Heather says she hopes Terry appreciates all her hard work, my eyes roll all the way back into my brain and I have to dig them out of my skull to soldier on into the next scene.
Vicki, Tamra, and Shannon head to dinner to talk shit about Meghan. Shannon wants you to know that her party for this charity had three times as many people as Meghan’s party will have. So there.
The only catch is that, as Tamra haltingly explains, Shannon isn’t even invited to Meghan’s party. In fact, Shannon is the only Housewife to be excluded, making her the “outcast.” Meghan is picking off the next-weakest player. Kudos, Meghan, who calmly explains that she cannot risk Shannon flying off the handle. “I feel like she’s excluded herself,” Meghan remarks smugly. Meghan, have I underestimated you?
“If’ you’re not invited I’m not going,” says Vicki, who has an agenda. My bet is that she knows she’ll get more screentime as the friend of the outcast than as just another party attendee.
But Tamra still shows up at Vicki’s house to get her makeup done for the party Vicki isn't even attending, and the only reason I mention it is to say, Tamra, really consider less makeup. You look so so much younger before the eyeliner. It makes sense that Tamra goes to Vicki’s house beforehand when we learn that Eddie is not accompanying her to Meghan’s party because he is “actually working.” That’s what Tamra says but my guess is that Eddie is home because Tamra is a Jesus freak now plus other marital issues yet to be revealed.
Speaking of marital issues, Jimmy the douche’s first wife is at the party, and the only thing I can say is that Meghan must be a super annoying current-wife-of-your-ex-husband. Meghan, who has been married to Jimmy for four months, says that she and LeAnn are raising Hayley together. I have mixed feelings about this when we learn LeAnn has colon cancer. Meghan’s better than nothing, I guess?
Also, Heather, regarding that buttery taupe leather motorcycle jacket, yes, it’s very Yolanda, but Yolanda would never wear something like that more than once on camera. This is the third time I’m seeing it. Come on and impress me.
While Shannon did not make it onto Meghan’s guest list, Lizzie of season’s past did. She floats around in her cloud of wavy hair and her white pageant dress. But Shannon, drinking at a bar with Vicki, doesn’t care AT ALL. “This means nothing!” she insists through her tears over shots of tequila. Distraught at their absence, Lizzie calls Shannon and Vicki from Meghan’s wine procurement party. Then Tamra, sensing rebellion, declares that they should leave Meghan’s party to go to the bar Shannon and Vicki are at. I smell a cabal.
“I have no hard feelings,” Meghan sniffs, her face popping muscles that usually remain beneath the surface.