RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

I Have Your Number

You guys don’t know how to be ten anymore.

I’m beginning to wonder if this whole recap/blog exercise is lessening the dramatic potency of this show or if it’s just not as good as it used to be.  It’s been a decade of RHOC, and perhaps it has run its course.  There are only so many forced group vacations, completely frivolous parties, and catty lunches one can reasonably be expected to consume.  And perhaps ten year’s worth is the outer limit.

 

In any case, Vicki, Tamra and Shannon are all super hungover because it was, Vicki confirms, “the drunkest we’ve ever been.”  In their entire lives.  Tamra feels “like nine miles of dog shit.”  I have to say, even after all these years I find Tamra’s idioms remarkably esoteric.  Shannon immediately berates herself for eating all those candies they left in her room!  Those Sofitel saboteurs and their irresistible sweet treats continue to flummox the dieting homeopath. 

 

Meanwhile, over on Meghan’s peninsula, she’s remarking to herself (because she is all alone) how because she’s so young she’s not hungover at all, when actually she didn’t really drink.  Not like Tamra, Vicki and Shannon.

 

In a sign of how even the producers cannot stand the idea of shooting another group massage scene, they have signed the ladies up for bubble diving. As in that old-timey, outdated way of sinking to the bottom of the ocean with an enormous metal helmet.  Where do they even come up with these things?  In any case, it’s boring despite Heather’s best efforts to sell it by caressing an enormous sting ray.  She’s game, that one.

 

Tamra confesses to Meghan that they talked about her last night while they were getting bombed out of their minds.  Frankly, I cannot believe how much Tamra is able to recall.  Meghan balks, “Why am I always the topic of conversation?” when it’s like, obviously your job as the new girl to be scrutinized publicly and frequently.  It’s trial by judgmental gossip, a Housewives’ initiation ritual.

 

No dummies, Shanon and Vicki are on the beach enjoying some hair of the dog like the partying experts they so quietly and obviously are.  Vicki insists, “I don’t drink like that,” but Shannon makes no such claim. They discuss, again, David’s infidelity, which Shannon keeps fresh by adding new scathing details.  The affair was going on for the entire first season, which goes a long way to explain why David was selectively deaf to anything Shannon had to say.  Furthermore, the other woman befriended Shannon while the affair was going on.  I must say, Shannon, you might have mentioned these details earlier because they explain why you have appeared so unstable and obsessive.

 

At dinner that evening out on the deck in beautiful Marea, Meghan wants to know what Vicki and Shannon said behind her back while getting blind drunk the night before.  Vicki comes at her with the whole stepmom thing and some tiny light flickers on in one of Meghan’s eyes and she backs off.

 

Which is a good time for Heather to jump in and confront Shannon about saying she “broke girl code” by being friends with Jim the douche’s former wife and the new wife, Meghan.  Who the fuck cares about this?  The best part is when Tamra, Heather and Vicki end up in the bathroom having a meeting about it almost immediately, leaving everyone else at the table for what could have been ten minutes. 

 

Then Shannon says Tamra is a “pot stirrer” which Meghan cannot wait to parrot back to Tamra in the golf cart on the way back to their bungalows over the water.  I’m interested in this Meghan-Tamra alliance, mostly because it is clearly doomed.  Tamra is too insecure and Meghan is too blunderingly provocative for their relationship to last. Also, Meghan calls Tamra old at some point this season so there’s that piece of evidence.

 

Tamra immediately confronts Shannon about this incredible affront: to be called a “pot stirrer” has to be the most benign insult ever uttered in this franchise.  Flustered, Shannon insists that “You’re supposed to be able to say something and have it be confidential.”  So I finally understand how she is so good at being transparent; I think she literally doesn’t remember the cameras are around.  It’s like “method” reality TV.

 

Lizzie’s advice to Meghan: Just shut up.  Maybe I was wrong about Lizzie.

 

Finally someone explains to Meghan that having her 17-year-old stepdaughter successfully avoid getting an education is a terrible idea.  Meghan seems to think it’s ok because she’s not going to a four-year college.  I wonder what she is going to do, then.  “You’re going to ruin her,” Vicki says.  Sadly, I think that ship has sailed.  

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