Ugh Hayley that hat. I feel bad critiquing a 17-year-old, but you and your guardians have decided your doing this show instead of attending high school was a good idea. There seems to be a knit hat fetish—with strategic long hair placement alongside the face—among other reality TV teens who have low self esteem and no motivation. I’m thinking of Jacqueline’s daughter (is her name really Ashlee?) in New Jersey. The one who wore that slouchy knit hat precariously and relentlessly for at least two seasons.
Apparently, Hayley likes to walk into Meghan’s room every night at 11PM wearing her slouchy knit hat and announce that she’s headed out. This was not kosher in my house when I was 17 but perhaps I’m being an old? When Meghan proposes the concept of “rules” to Hayley it’s pretty clear this is the first time she’s heard that word out of Meghan’s mouth. And she doesn’t exactly warm to the concept, balking at the idea of being home by midnight on weeknights. “What are you going to do to me?” she asks, honing in on Meghan’s nonexistent credibility.
Meghan, I am begging you: Talk to an older more experienced mother about this. Literally any of the women on the show (except Lizzie). You are far too young and irresponsible to continue winging it. Seek advice. Read a book. Encourage your douchey husband Jimmy to do more parenting.
Heather and Terry go on a date in the middle of the day that is nothing like any date you or I have ever been on. They go shopping for vacation clothes (do people do this?), which Heather insists is like a nice break from buying things for their new mansion. YAWN. Terry is truly surprised to hear that Heather pays $400 for a shirt. Let me just say that Terry is basically a dopey guy who is at the height of his career and has the leather jacket to prove it.
It tells us something about Meghan’s hosting skills that she hires “game night hosts” (Keybo and Scott) for her game night party, which might be a first in Real Housewives history. It says even more that Jimmy is not at her side for her couples party. It is kind of weird and Shannon jumps on the opportunity to discuss it with anyone who will listen. Yes, Shannon, Jimmy is a douchebag and a terrible father.
Vicki and Brooks are the last to arrive, and Vicki’s got her full on I-am-the-queen attitude on. Also, a great new haircut. Anyway, she immediately starts fake snoring on the couch—a real-time review of Meghan’s party, and I’d be hard-pressed to disagree with that verdict. They play the newlywed game, where Eddie and Tamra rise like a phoenix from the flames. Apparently, their decision not to work together is the lynchpin to their happiness as a couple and I applaud them. Particularly Tamra, who I would like to remind you owns 51% of Cut Fitness. Smart. Not so smart? Those extensions. Tamra, find a new look. You are a grandmother now. Grow into it and not with fake hair.
While Tamra and Eddie grandstand their utter synthesis as a married couple, Shannon and David are plunged back into the darkness when David reveals he thinks Shannon is less romantic than when they got married. This is a big duh to me, but to Shannon, it’s as if he plunged a dagger into her chest. This is the kind of stuff we talked about, she whisper/hisses, which sounds so familiar and yet so crazy. Shannon, dude, keep it together at game night.
So yeah, the only other thing to report about this snoozer is that Meghan is a terrible host. She fills her plate at the buffet and sits in the corner, as oblivious to the edicts of hosting as she is to the best practices of parenting. Heather jumps in to do her job, ushering everyone back to their seats, trying to fan the embers of enthusiasm as Vicki announces her departure. This makes the OG the last to show up and the first to depart—rude by any standards.
Struggling to maintain interest in her event, Meghan announces, “(hey you ancient motherfuckers) I’m getting Botox for the first time.” I inserted the first part but I think her meaning was clear. Shannon insists vaguely that she’s only had Botox a few times (in the last few weeks?). I believe Tamra when she calls bullshit on this claim. In any case, this conversation isn’t enough to make anyone stick around, except Heather, who could always use more friends.
It is no surprise that Shannon and David return to see Tina Konkin, the marriage counselor who now knows it’s wise to get your hair and makeup done when you are going to appear on television. It’s just more professional that way. Anyway, the talk is all about the affair, which Tina insists they are not ready to speak about on their own. Shannon says, “I just want the hurt to stop,” and in this moment I’m thinking that her face really does look Botoxed. On the positive side of things, Shannon, you look great “without makeup” (fake eyelashes, some foundation and blush, a little powder). Seriously. It’s as if these women have never heard that you should wear less makeup as you get older.
Since the ladies are traveling, it’s time for the requisite round robin packing scene. Everyone’s throwing their shit in bags (except Heather, who we are meant to believe wraps every single shoe in a red velvet bag herself). Meghan’s phone call with her douchey husband Jimmy would be boring if it weren’t so sad. “When you get back we should do a lunch date?” she asks her distant soon-to-be ex-husband.
Upon arrival in Tahiti, the ladies get to drinking (sans Shannon, who bows out due to coughing up “really nasty, like black shit.” Huh?) and getting to the bottom of Meghan’s marriage. She admits that he’s only around half the time, and that she has to stay in California to take care of Hayley. But the ladies sense, as we all have, that Meghan’s performance as stepmother falls far short of her own estimation. She just doesn’t seem to know what’s appropriate in this admittedly difficult situation. On this topic, Tamra says the smartest thing she’s ever said on the show: Meghan needs to find her boundaries.
Not to pile on but the next day Meghan shows up rocking a seriously misguided hair scarf with an embroidered (possibly rhinestone encrusted) embellishment at the temple. It’s just all sorts of wrong.
At this point, I’m lost on the logistics. After only one night, the ladies are off to another resort in Tahiti, and on the way, they stop at a pearl store so Tamra can have diarrhea and the ladies can debate appropriate spending limits in a single-earner household. As you can imagine, the phrase “gold-digger” comes up and Meghan tellingly takes it personally. After all, she gave up her promising career selling medical devices because, she says through a strained smile, Jimmy and her were in love.