Vicki looks like a turtle. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it for years.
So my girl Briana has returned to the OC with her brood. I like Briana. Did I ever mention I saw her one time in an OC eatery? She seemed breezy, approachable. It’s a meaningless impression from a distance and yet unbudgeable. The thing is, though, I’m really not so sure about Briana’s husband, Ryan. He showed a streak of PTSD aggression towards Lydia’s stoner Mom last season (or was it two seasons ago), and now here he is talking a whole lotta shit in Vicki’s house about how it’s dirty and it smells. He, unemployed father of two, turns his nose up at being Vicki’s business partner in her super successful insurance business. I don’t like him.
Tamra invites people to her baptism by personal phone call, as everyone does.
Meghan to Tamra regarding the baptism: ohmygosh, congrats!
Meghan’s face: ew.
Shannon and David really seem to be able to do couples therapy on camera, although of course it can’t be exactly the same as if the cameras weren’t there, but I digress. Shannon hardly ever has “dark moments” anymore except for right now.
Tamra testifies about Brooks’s weird “Pet scan report” to Shannon and Heather. Why would they choose you? Heather wonders, boggled. Of course, they all silently believe it should have been them to be the one plucked from the flock and approached with this three-page medical document.
Shannon gets teary. “We all feel icky.” Heather says. But no, that’s not the issue. Shannon feels moved; so close to Heather and Shannon, that of course it’s time to tell them all about… THE AFFAIR. For the life of me, I can’t understand why now. Maybe she’s been advised to put a period on the end of this storyline?
Briana and Tamra meet for lunch where we get to hear more about the hellscape that makes up Briana’s existence in Oklahoma (that’s where she lives). Endless work, constant threat of tornadoes, underground shelters, and weirdly no parks for her children to play in. Briana makes it clear that she would rather live in Oklahoma with an unemployed husband and two jobs than move anywhere near Brooks.
Briana on Brooks’ prognosis: He’s just going to be cured one day.
Shannon takes her girls to the organic beauty counter as some sort of essential life lesson. Only use organic makeup and ask permission and no invisible eye shadow and the whole thing was a little stern. A little devoid of the fun you’d imagine in such a scene. "Our whole family has been repaired," coos Shannon but I wonder.
Tamra meets with her baptism stylist and—I’m Jewish, so I’m just throwing this out there—this doesn’t seem quite right to me. Not quite "baptism."
Tamra and Vicki get together, and Vicki throws in some verbiage about Brooks's “bone marrow aspiration” but twitching all the while so once more it comes across bogus. Tamra realizes she was sent to do Vicki's dirty work. Classic Housewife maneuver.
Everyone hustles to get to Tamra’s baptism/wedding and, in her haste, Shannon breaks off the nozzle of an at home colonic kit in her rectum/anus. Worse, her unspecified-specialty Doctor Moon, proves unreachable. Should we applaud Shannon for her guilelessness in the face of this development? David ends up looking up her butt and then makes a display of washing his fingernails in the kitchen. Kind of gross. Even weirder, the revelation that Shannon had nothing up her butt.
Heather on Tamra’s baptism: She’s ready for a fresh start. (SHADE)
Everyone in their limos is getting all warmed up to in some way bring Brooks’s cancer story to a head. This is the final showdown. Vicki thinks that the ladies are trying to put confusion in my mind and I have to agree. I thought this was the finale. Seriously, have these shows always gone on for 20 episodes?