Speaking of qualities, Meghan is all about what a great stepmom Meghan is. “I get it I’m with it I’m cool I’m hip.” She rattles off all the social media things she can think of “Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat…” The whole thing is so uncool even I know it’s uncool.
Meghan loves to set up bonding time with Hayley and has chosen paddleboard yoga because Meghan loves paddleboard and yoga. Hayley’s comment: “I don’t like any of it.” Which begs the question, why would Hayley agree to an on-screen paddleboard yoga private lesson with her insanely thin and fit hyperyoung stepmother who has obviously invited her just to harp on her mom’s terminal cancer? I think Occam’s Razor would suggest that Hayley is an attention seeker of the highest order. I know she’s only 17 so I will cut her some slack until a few paragraphs from now.
Back on the beach, Meghan relates to Hayley the story of how Vicki heard her Mom died. Meghan employs her most colorful language (“a guttural cry”) and anyone with a sliver of brain would understand that she is drawing a parallel to Hayley. Most of all, listening to this tearful retelling, Hayley would be thinking of her own Mom. Yet Meghan has to add, in case anyone whatsoever missed it: “I was looking through a lens at you.” WTF, Meghan? I think you just don’t understand empathy? I found the whole thing shockingly exploitative, and I have a high tolerance for exploitation when it comes to reality TV. Hayley holds it together in this scene, which is kind of a surprise given what comes later. Is it the medication?
Dear Andy Cohen,
What is up with Lizzie? Is she in or is she out? I don’t get it.
I think it’s weird that Brooks can’t go to the funeral with Vicki because her family doesn’t approve of him. Um? Tell you what my family wouldn’t like—if my partner didn’t show up at my mom’s funeral with me. Even just to sit in the hotel room and wait for me.
Heather does an imitation of how disinterested Terry is in their mansion construction; she rolls her eyes and groans dramatically and this, Heather, is how I feel about your complaining about your mansion construction. You claim your life is more “interesting” now but I see no evidence of that.
Moving right along, it’s David and Shannon! Hi you guys! Am I the only one who is shocked that Shannon refers to Vicki as “Aunt Vicki” with her kids? In any case, things are still a little tense over at the Beador Tuscan villa. Shannon and David are just getting home from a “father conference,” and I have to wonder if the organizers refused to be filmed or if it was so terribly boring they didn’t use the footage.
In any case, I don’t think the “conference” had a positive effect on David, the “father” who almost immediately launches into a passive aggressive attack on Shannon. I’d say the toxicity of their marriage is on the rise. He actually blabs to the kids, “Your Mommy was upset with me yesterday, last night and this morning because I didn’t call her when I said I would.” I have no idea why David would do this until we see Shannon’s immediate response, which is of course about the affair. “I’m flooded with a lot of memories,” she tells him.
Girl, you gotta decide if you really can get over the affair, because having David compile a list of restaurants he went to with the other woman is just not healthy. Is there a flower root for “get over it?” A desperate man, David ends this scene by literally closing the door (on his own daughter and the camera crew).
So Tamra’s daughter-in-law is up before dawn on the day of her scheduled C-Section and what is she doing? Curling her daughter’s hair. This is just unfathomable to me. This is a woman who is about to go have surgery and come home with a newborn. Why isn’t she sleeping as much as possible? I can’t wrap my mind around it. It is at least equally insane that everyone--three kids, Tamra, Tamra’s mom and of course, Ryan--are going to the hospital when only one of them can be in the delivery room. Why not just stay at home with Grandma until visiting hours? I feel like a real Grinch about Tamra’s grandma plotline.
Meanwhile, the World’s Leading Stepmom, Meghan is planning a little preparty for Hayley’s winter formal at a truly fabulous seeming hotel on the beach. I will concede this is a nice gesture on Meghan’s part. Only Hayley throws an immediate hissy at her mother for forgetting to bring her dress. Weird, right? Meghan helpfully explains that Hayley’s just upset because “…This isn’t the Mom she had a year ago and she's pissed off about it.” OMG Meghan shut up.
Then Hayley asks her real Mom LeAnn if she brought her medication. What kind of medication does a 17-year-old girl require to go to a winter formal? Adderall or Xanax or am I a terrible person? I’m saying Adderall.
Tamra’s granddaughter is incredibly healthy looking and cute and Tamra finally admits, “There’s no going back. I feel a little old. I feel like my whole life has changed forever.” Yep.
Back to Hayley, who is a very sad child indeed. Perhaps it’s her lack of medication or perhaps it’s her mom’s terminal illness or her stepmother’s complete failure at being human, but Hayley is also kind of a terrible kid. Not once does she say “thank you” or “this is so great!” to anyone about anything. Ungraciousness is the hallmark of misery.
Another hallmark of misery is when your stepmother is constantly remarking that your mother will be dead very soon. “This could be the last formal that LeAnn helps Hayley get ready for,” Meghan says. Meanwhile, Meghan’s douchey Dad, Jim is concerned that they missed the best light for the photographs. He’s a really attentive father.
Vicki’s back from the funeral, and of course it’s very sad but still not much to see here!
Heather manages to take time out from building her mansion to start planning another party because “everyone needs to laugh.” That’s like planning an ice hockey game because “everyone needs a hug.”
Shannon shows up at Vicki’s house with a bag of drops and pills made of roots and flowers. She's sincere and meticulous; a true believer. But Shannon, isn't it time to rethink your remedies?