The season overview was enough to get even the most seasoned Housewife viewer excited. Tamra is baptized in someone’s back yard pool, followed by Vicki invoking Jesus’ name, Shannon doing one of her crazy muppet faces with her hands waving and her eyes popping out, Tamra topless, sharks, and Tamra telling the new girl, Meghan, to “take it deep” with regard to a phallic cocktail.
Meghan, I just want you to know up front, regardless of what I have to say about you later, you are truly terrific to look at in a totally conventional way. Seriously, Google her. She’s the epitome of pretty and very young for a housewife. Which is why no one is surprised when these words come out of her perfectly shaped mouth: “My husband is literally a baseball superstar.”
Shannon's crying, saying, “My kids are still devastated,” and then lying, arms crossed, beneath a fake tombstone that reads HERE LIES SHANNON, David delivering an impassioned graveside speech to his very much alive wife who cries softly at his feet. What are we to make of this ridiculous spectacle?
“This isn’t wife math,” Heather, finally making an appearance, snaps at her builder, as he struggles to keep track of all fourteen of their new bathrooms.
“You’re just an old woman” Meghan says to Tamra in the preview for this entire season and now I must tell you, Meghan, I’m coming for you.
Finally, we see perhaps the most previewed image for this season, Vicki prostate on her kitchen floor sobbing and moaning as she learns on camera of her mother’s death. She is earning her paycheck this season.
Heather - No one’s life is perfect but mine is pretty close
Verdict: Way too try-hardy.
Shannon: When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl
Verdict: OK, it’s you and it’s upbeat, but I’m not buying your delivery. Shannon, are you okay?
Tamra: Boldness comes at a cost and I’m willing to pay.
Verdict: Enigmatic. I’m down for the new Tamra!
Meghan: Now that I’m in the OC, it’ s a whole new ballgame.
Verdict: Most clearly authored by someone other than Meghan.
Vicki: I’m the OG of the OC. Everyone else is just a copy.
Verdict: Too true, you are the OG of the OC. But let’s be real, Vicki, no one is trying to copy you.
Heather, there must be more to you than real estate and yet I am interested in this crazy house you’re building. This is the most obvious reason we watch this show: lifestyle safari. You are building what appears to be Kim Kardashian’s house. You are literally keeping up with the Kardashians! You are going to have a chandelier hanging from your three-story ceiling that will be lit from above: in other words, you are going to have lights to light up your lights. It’s dizzying.
Here we have the first mention of Heather’s taste, in particular, for “$7000” sinks.
Tamra’s storyline this season seems to be becoming a grandma and BOOBS. She’s downsizing again. I’m kind of over this whole boob storyline already and so is the rest of the cast, none of whom show up at Tamra’s bedside as they did the last time she had her boobs done on television. On the positive side, I’m feeling this new grandma role for you, Tamra. You and Hilary Clinton. And seriously, Tamra, you look 20 years younger with your “no makeup” surgery makeup.
So Brooks has stage 3 cancer. Or does he? Brianna doesn't think so! But Vicki believes it and therefore? she cuts his salad for him. I can’t think of why else she’d be cutting his salad for him. In any case, Brooks does seem cagey about the details of his treatment, saying “Chemo affects different people in different ways.” I’m super biased but I am on Team Brianna here.
FYI Vicki’s claim that “Once you lose the will to live, you die" is not backed up by science.
Let me just say again that Meghan is very, very pretty. Which is why we are disappointed, surely, but not entirely surprised when her lovely husband cuts off her verbal ramblings with, “Did you ask me a question or not?” Meghan says that “He knows my soul.” Jim doesn’t even know where his wedding ring IS and he didn’t “even look for it, to be honest with you.” The person I feel the worst for in all of this is Hailey, Jim’s daughter from his first marriage. I have this to tell you, Hailey. You just have to wait this one out.
Shannon and David go on a couples retreat which looks like a sham of an event put together for the sole purpose of Shannon letting the world know that David had an affair. So now you know that and you know to never ever go on a couples retreat; it looked so awful I’m surprised any of it made it to television. Painful to watch.
Baby showers are boring no matter what. I can’t bring myself to say anything about Tamra’s shower for her granddaughter except that Lynne, of previous seasons and the extraordinary jaw, showed up. She is so sweet and real and dumb. Lynne totally gets how Vicki Instagrammed a picture of her boobs to the world by accident. Of course you do, Lynne. Bless your little heart.