RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

I Have Your Number

If I’m the little girl than what are you?

It’s a good question, Meghan, and as I’ve said in a previous post, it gets you off the hook for using an agist argument.  It’s cruel that you’re calling Vicki an old woman on television, but she made it fair game. A rookie mistake from the OG of the OC.


There’s a weird energy when only two women are actively fighting in front of the others; it’s like a primal anxiety takes hold of the observers.  Sometimes they get drawn in, other times they stay wide-eyed silent.  Rarely do they pull off what Heather achieves here, actual Housewife diplomacy.  She nearly gets through to Vicki, explaining that Meghan doesn’t MEAN to imply Brooks wants to die, but rather, that it’s hard to see him pass up treatments that are no longer available to Meghan’s husband’s ex-wife (now deceased).  Heather understands.  And when Vicki (wearing a neon pink dress), Tamra (neon orange) and Shannon (neon coral) all go to the bathroom together like a bunch of sixth-grade mean girls, Heather sagely advises Meghan “I think it’s time to back off.”  Heather is on another level tonight.


In a feat of editing, Lizzie and Meghan are suddenly abandoned at the luncheon table.  Lizzie chimes in with a common refrain when Meghan complains she’s being treated like a baby.  “You are young,” she says. The message is that being young is so great, can’t Meghan just be satisfied with that and stop demanding to have her silly point of view taken seriously.


Meanwhile, it’s full-on diva time for Vicki in the bathroom where practically everyone’s crammed in to “support” her.  “He wants to live!” she sobs. Tamra, Heather and Shannon are too stunned by her huge reaction, three botoxed faces slackened with shock.  And then everyone returns to the table mwhich is super weird.  Meghan announces that she wasn’t coming “from a place of malice,” and looks shoot across the table like laser tag: ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM everyone silently agreeing that Meghan is maybe full of shit. 


Which is the perfect occasion for Tamra to announce her “sex party,” as if that’s like totally a thing people do in real life.  Heather tellingly groans, “We have to have sex tomorrow night?”  I’m totally not judging – four kids so whatever, but I have to imagine Terry is banging a production assistant or nurse or something.


Shannon has cut back on visits to her Eastern healer (?) Dr. Moon, only going twice a month instead of three times a week.  Dr. Moon’s methods are unorthodox.  First things first he has Shannon hold out an arm and stick her tongue out in the opposite direction from which he diagnoses heart problems.  Listen, if anyone ever reads this, can you email me and tell me if there’s any foundation whatsoever in any discipline, field or even, most broadly speaking, culture for these sort of shenanigans?  I hold out hope that somehow I am the ignorant one in this situation because twice a month, Shannon?


So anyway, Vicki’s son, Michael.  What is there to say about him?  He is so mellow he is fact tuned out.  Even though Vicki is also his employer, which is weird, Michael seems completely disconnected from her and maybe from everything.  Other than that, he’s “living the dream” according to Vicki, although I’ll bet he doesn’t talk to her that frequently.  Michael has had to fight for his space and I wonder if his appearances on this show are under some sort of duress.  That or he’s on Xanax or he’s just really dull.  Michael on Brooks: “I like him.”  Michael on Brianna:  “Brianna is weird.”  Vicki invokes her dead Mom and I space out about my own Mom and what I’d be most sad about if she were to die suddenly in her sleep.


Shannon is just wiped out.  Ugh, Shannon you just seem so sad.  Yes it’s true you are entitled to take the time you need to get over David’s infidelity. But maybe it’s not helping that you keep talking about it on video, which you and your kids will see replayed for the rest of your life.  It’s time to stave the flow.  Move on.


Over at sex party central, Tamra is killing it in a black lace bodysuit.  In the limo on the way to the party, Jimmy the douche is already fighting with Meghan, who observes, “I don’t think you’re very nice.”  That’s right, Meghan.  You’re onto something here.

Tamra puts in the requisite request that Meghan and Vicki bury the hatchet for the sake of the Cut Fitness Youtube Channel launch party, surely a cause as venerable as any.  Everyone shows up in wigs, which are all very photogenic.  Vicki wears an (unflattering) white dress, which is like a red flag taunting Meghan.  How dare Vicki so brazenly say, “Fuck you, theme party!”  Meghan, you’ve lost me on this.  White is categorically not sexy?


In a gimmick I believe we all first saw in the 80’s where it should have remained, out comes the naked lady covered in sushi.  Flowers cover her nipples, which occasions Jimmy the douche to remark, “I’m eatin’ the flowers!”  OMG WHAT.   He loiters by the lady after everyone else backs off, and you just know he’s saying inappropriate things as she lies there, paralyzed under a half-pound of thinly sliced fish and rice.  Yuck.


Tamra and Eddie’s marriage seems stronger than ever and yet the news that Tamra is considering baptism is news to him.  When it comes out at the sex party, Vicki adds the incredibly uncool “There’s a lot of things you don’t know, Eddie.”  What?!  NOT cool.  If there is a girl code, this definitely breaks it.  Vicki, I know you’re in mourning but get your shit together girl.  You got a job to do!


Heather loses all the points she gained through her earlier diplomacy when she reveals that she and Terry are wearing leeches on their belly, so that the blood can be somehow processed and reapplied to their faces in some sort of macabre beauty treatment.  It’s fucking insane.  Unless they got paid a lot of money by the leech people.


Back at naked sushi girl, Vicki is the one being inappropriate.  "Do your parents know you’re doing this?  You’re beautiful and you’re not that girl.”  Vicki.  Dude.  Not cool.


Also, not exactly cool to say to Meghan the minute you see her that she’s “not a nice person.”  That’s technically starting shit.  Shannon piles on and then Meghan, in what can only be described as bitch-ass fashion, goes to get her HUSBAND THE DOUCHE to get him to defend her.


And the most surprising thing happens.  Even as Meghan shoves her drama down his throat, Jimmy The Douche remains sensible.  Surprisingly on message.  Vicki is heated, but Jimmy is cool.  Respectful even after Meghan splits and Vicki and Shannon close rank behind her, trapping him for further interrogation. 


Finally free, Jimmy goes straight to the bar where Meghan meets him.  The first thing he says is “Don’t ever put me in that situation again.” Which is totally fair.  Meghan’s contract basically requires her to engage in petty conflicts in public; it’s the closest thing she has to a job.  Then he says ominously, “I can do whatever I want so zip it.  Zip it.”  It’s like all the effort of not being a douche gives way to his true nature: 100% douche. 

Rather than get it together so she can stick it out for her job, Meghan hits the eject button and drags Jimmy home.  This gives Vicki the chance to gossip about how Jimmy told Brooks that two out of four months of marriage to Meghan have been, “challenging.”  This is just the opening salvo.  Vicki on Meghan: “I’ll take her down.”


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