RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

I Have Your Number


I’ve been mulling over Tamra’s tagline: Boldness comes at a cost and I’m willing to pay.  What does that even mean?  All of you are handsomely compensated for your boldness.


Take Shannon, for example.  This season she has boldly shared every unattractive detail of her life.  Here she is, confessing to Dr. Tom that she has gained 15 pounds.  Contrary to nomenclature, Dr. Tom is a “holistic specialist” with a remarkable helmet of hair.  Seriously, is that real?  Is it just some sort of gel?  Shannon pulls up her top and squishes her stomach fat, which in the context of this franchise and this region, is pretty out there.  It would be like like performance art if she didn’t say, “Look what you’ve done to yourself.”  The self-loathing! Shannon, I’m still worried about you!


Shannon hates every moment of the workout but commits to coming back to see Dr. Tim and his groovy hand gestures. They do that thing where their fists bump and explode in parting, and he actually says the words “Rock and roll.”  I mean, this guy is like somehow all the clichés rolled into one and therefore not a cliché at all.  I hope we see more of him and his hair.

Tamra and Eddie shoot a bickering video.  Actually, it’s a fitness video called a “quickie” workout, but the energy on set is more like a dying fish; fitful and a lot of lip flapping.  I’m going to say their sex life these days—between the working and the fighting—is dismal compared to the clip reel of them in fabulous hotels around the world toasting champagne flutes.  Tamra, get the magic back!  Even if you have to travel every quarter to do it.


Vicki invites Shannon and Tamra over to witness a medium/median commune with her recently dead mother.  Brooks and Billy, Vicki’s brother, are also in attendance.  Shannon uses this time to follow up with Brooks on the special Eastern/Western medicine specialist Shannon recommends.  Brooks demurs.  Is this suspicious on his part or just a reasonable response to Shannon’s quackery?


Shannon’s medium, Tim Braun is very shiny and tan and flamboyant.  He announces they’re going to have a big old-fashioned (GAY!) séance.  Tamra claims she believes in mediums, but her face tells a different story.  From the beginning, she’s not even trying.  Which is just no fun, Tamra.  Be a sport.  Don’t antagonize the medium with your specific questions!  He squirms: “That’s a great question, Tamra,” he says, but in his mind he’s lighting her hair on fire.


Over to Meghan, interfacing with Hayley her 17-year-old stepdaughter.  It seems that “parenting” is Meghan’s main activity, other than moving. Sullen Hayley does “independent study” which requires her to go to school one day per week and “complete assignments.”  Meghan notes that she is managing to do neither of these things as she hands her a $100 bill and announces she can use her credit card for gas.  “Go to school, graduate and put your dishes away.”  Listen, Meghan, it’s not that anyone expected you would make a good parent to a teenager.  However, you are actually (all of a sudden?) surrounded by Moms.  Maybe pick one of them to be your mommy mentor?  Because you need help.


Finally, Heather arrives to walk up and down stairs with Tamra at a truly beautiful beach.  Tamra bends Heather’s ear about how Eddie is “no fun” to work with.  Heather breaks it down for Tamra; girl you got to get on Facetime, do date night, have sex.  It’s a no nonsense, bloodless, and effective guide to marriage.  I truly hope it is working for you, Heather.


The ladies all go bowling, which I think is kind of inorganic and weird, but OK.  Maybe it works for those reasons.  In an aside, Tamra asks Vicki “How are things with Briana?”  “Not good.”  I find it hard to believe Brianna would still be holding a grudge against Brooks, but at this point, maybe there’s no point in fixing things.  Vicki says she just wants to get Botox with Briana in Vegas, a trip that truly has Tamra’s name all over it.  “What about the kids?” she asks Vicki, who automatically responds, “My Mom’ll babysit them.”  She literally forgets her Mom died.  Poignant.


Shannon has clearly decided that the “holistic” side of Brooks’s cancer treatment is completely at odds with her own holistic ideas.  She is desperate to get Vicki or Brooks or someone to reconsider this “starve the cancer” approach which denies him any solid food.  I am surprised to report that I am in complete agreement with Shannon’s quackery here.  Vicki reports that she will rely on her “team of professionals,” which I guess includes that house-call coffee-enema lady? Brooks, for god’s sake, eat something!


In the limo, for some reason (anxiety? Too much anti-anxiety medication?) Meghan announces she’s had “a lot of sex talks with Hayley lately,” but she still doesn’t think that Hayley has had sex.  Just for the record, statistically, the chances are pretty good that Meghan is wrong here.  And she knows this because she “put her on birth control” because then Hayley “won’t have to think about this.”  Meghan, Meghan, Meghan, seriously—you need to figure out how to be better at this.  It is not cool that you are talking about Hayley’s private stuff like this, particularly behind her back.  Furthermore, you know she should still use condoms… right?


When Shannon gets a little nuts about all the food Heather orders, commenting that it’s hard for “someone who’s trying to lose some weight,” Heather and Tamra react like she’s just announce she has ebola.  Like they might somehow catch her fattening disease.  Again, Heather delivers a succinct solution: If it bothers you, stop eating, go to the gym take care of it.  These words would have less impact if Heather had an ounce of loose flesh anywhere on her body.


For some reason, in the limo home with Vicki, Tamra describes how she’d like to not be buried or cremated, but to instead be… stuffed.  Like a “Full blown mannequin.”  She even does the expression she’d want, a sort of quarter-tilted, pouty half-smile, half Playboy bunny.  I have to wonder if Tamra understands that her physical body cannot last forever.


When Meghan comes home and finds Hayley’s unfinished homework—which she has already told us about—she is angry.  Then she reflects: Did I not work with her enough?  And Meghan sheds a tear.  And you now what, Meghan?  I’m down to redeem you because this isn’t really your responsibility at all.  This is Jimmy’s responsibility!  Hayley’s father.  He is a douche.  On the other hand, this is what you signed up for so at least read a parenting book.  Like ASAP.


Tamra has always wanted to have a ‘booty class’ at Cut Fitness but she only has two exercises so far so she asks for Eddie’s help.  This, of course, reminds them of the truly uncomfortable shoot for their “quickie” workout video.  Eddie admits that he didn’t feel prepared, and I’m going to suggest that if you two want to do this sort of thing, hire a director.  Maybe, also a writer. 


Or, stop working together!  Tamra is going back to real estate and Eddie will continue to run the business.  For obvious reasons, I’m truly glad to hear Tamra owns 51% of Cut Fitness.


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