The way Meghan cooks, holding the knife like that, awkwardly pressing it down towards a pile of onions seems like evidence of how little Meghan eats. Even Douchey Jim knows You can’t cook like that. Too true, Jim. In any case, this scene is all about Meghan publicly apologizing to Jim for having insanely dragged him into an argument with Vicki, followed by an awkward date-night in their eat-in kitchen. She actually brags about how the entire meal has less than 300 calories, a remark which would make me insatiably hungry and furious. Jim and Meghan rehash the whole Brooks-doesn’t-have-cancer question.
Shannon and Heather are having cocktails at lunch. Love it. Also, I think Shannon uses several makeup artists but this is the one for you, Shannon. Or is it the lighting? In any case, the theme here seems to be that Vicki is overacting. Heather muses like a Greek chorus: Vicki is off the handle. Why is she lashing out so much? Why is she so angry? HMMMMMM… Could it be that Brooks doesn’t really have Stage 3 Cancer?!?!?!?
I think someone is showing Jim footage from the show because he compliments Meghan’s cooking. Even she is surprised.
Apparently Vicki visits Briana and Ryan in Oklahoma City every three weeks, particularly since Ryan’s “major” back surgery. Since then, Briana’s been working two jobs in a children’s ER and an adult ER while also, she implies, being a primary parent because of Ryan’s surgery. Plus, they are living in a town where she knows no one and there are weekly tornado threats. They have a storm shelter that is a cement hole in the ground. Briana, you are a trooper, truly, but it’s time to hit the panic button and get back to the O.C.
Meanwhile, Tamra wants to get baptized by Pastor Mike. Pastor Mike. Think about what that name conjures. Do you see… hair gel in greying hair? A silver beaded bracelet? An implacable grin? Well, you do now. That’s Pastor Mike. He knows that God has a plan. Meanwhile, Tamra’s there to figure out what “the rules are.” Can she throw sex parties, gossip, and scream at her friends and still be a good Christian? Pastor Mike does not deign to answer. As a side note, Eddie is there to support her 100% and he looks so so so hung-over. Just a side note.
I’d like to point out that this whole baptism thing, while distasteful to me, is exactly what I wanted from Tamra: a new storyline, a new identity. So, good for you, Tamra, in moving on from your ‘hottest’ housewife roots. I’d like to see you move onto “most successful real estate agent in the OC.”
Meanwhile, back to Briana’s hard life. No social life, no friends, two kids under two. Vicki says it’s great that they get to grow their marriage away from outside influences, which is an unusual piece of advice to a young couple. Did village gossip ruin Vicki’s first marriage? Anyway, when Vicki says that outsiders could ruin “what you guys got,” Briana’s eyes nearly pop out of her head in Ryan’s direction. Not a great response. I am worried about you, Briana!
I still think Brooks is a terrible person--Briana on Brooks
Meanwhile, the Beador girls have put together a date night for their parents, which is truly so, so, so adorable. They make little menus, and light candles, and have different jobs. Very impressive. Sad, but impressive. I’m not thrilled to hear Shannon apologize to the kids again for their marriage being all messed up, but fine.
Meanwhile, Terry and Heather have gone into the inevitable skincare line.
Terry on their skincare: If you don’t want it, you’re a loser.
When Vicki gets three brand new white SUVS to pull up in Brianna’s driveway so she can pick one, I am impressed. Baller. But then, I think about what Briana probably needs more than anything: reliable, trustworthy childcare. That could change her life. A new car? As Briana says herself, “Mom is always trying to help me in ways I don’t need help.” Vicki, get on the stick and interview a bunch of nannies. For what you spent on the car, Briana could have someone on call. Yes, I have a two-year-old.
Eddie immediately orders sake for Tamra and him on their date night but by the looks of things, Eddie’s been drinking for a while. He can’t quite follow the whole Brooks-doesn’t-have-cancer drama. Tamra decides this is the time to have the inevitable discussion about giving Ryan, her son, $8000 for a security deposit on a house in the OC. I am floored that Eddie is pissed about this—surely Tamra has her own money to do with as she pleases. Eddie says he isn’t going to “support another man,” which is a kind of dated concept. In fact, the whole issue is dated. Eddie reveals how drunk he is when he rants that it was Ryan’s choice to marry that woman with “…six kids, four kids, three kids, whatever.” Yikes, Eddie, ugly. Tamra finally agrees to make the money a loan, adding “Ryan will never pay me back but Eddie doesn’t need to know that.” Tamra, you’re not understanding how this whole honesty thing works!
Back in Oklahoma, Vicki is preparing to leave and Briana brings up her next visit to the OC. When the question of whether Briana will stay with Vicki or at a hotel comes up, Vicki does a full reality TV Diva flip the fuck out. Vicki says Brooks will be traveling when Briana is in town. She claws at her mic through her shirt, addressing cameramen by name saying, “We’re not talking about it on camera.” And then, with the camera stuck on a closed back door but the mics still on, Briana insists, “I’m trying to be nice about it. Stage three cancer you don’t travel. You get Pneumonia you die.” Huh. Another vote for Brooks not having cancer. Everyone keeps pointing out how great he looks, but he’s just thin. Or is he?