RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

RHOC Recap and Unsolicited Advice

I Have Your Number

Christian Porn

I decided to challenge myself and do the last two episodes as a double-header.  Also, I had a thing last Monday.  Let’s jump in, shall we?

 

Shannon and David’s date nights are haunted by the ghoul of Shannon’s  dieting.  The complexities of restricting your caloric intake are too much for Shannon, who has (ahem, bullshit) been gorging on app platters for the first five decades of her life.  She truly demonstrates no literacy with dieting, asking the waitress to identify the lowest fat item on the menu.  A seasoned dieter knows at a glance and would never take the waitress’s word on the meatballs.  Even more mystifying to Shannon, the shifting sands of alliances on the show. 

 

Vicki to Shannon (via text):  Lunch was nasty.

 

Pastor Mike is back you guys!  And this time, he sports a necklace: a dime-sized, dime-colored skin flap.  “I’ve hidden it, I’ve hidden it, and now I love Jesus,” says Tamra, and maybe it’s just me, but for some reason this giddy assertion gives me the creeps.  Tamra loves Jesus?  Or is she really just looking for Tamra 2.0?  She gives Pastor Mike the Tamra download: her mom, her brother, her son, his girlfriend, their messed up personal situation.  Then they pray.  Pastor Mike says in his soft, sexy velvet voice, “He touched your heart.  Amen,” in a way that sounds vaguely pornographic.  Christian porn.  Google it.

 

Vicki and Brooks’s “health coach,” Lenka, is such a quackadoodledoo I had to make that word up just to describe her.  She takes Brooks to a Family Practitioner to treat his exotic, advanced “blood cancer.”  This doctor proceeds to read a supposed PET scan report, does a cursory physical exam and in general seems to be a guy they sent over from Central Casting.  In Bangkok.  Even Doctor Family Practitioner says, when pushed, that he’s only reading the report they handed him.  He proceeds to “oxygenate” Brooks’s blood, which is just indescribably silly as far as cancer treatments go.  I mean, I’m no oncologist but I have a brain.  If Andy Cohen had paid me to write a scene that would subtly but completely convince viewers that Brooks does NOT have cancer, I could never have come up with something this effective.

 

Heather’s nervous face is a tiny bit more pinched on the way to their shopping channel makeup launch.  And guess what, it’s not without good reason.  Turns out Terry the million dollar plastic surgeon television personality is not a natural at schilling his own emollients on live television.  It’s nice to see him flub up and feel crappy.

 

Things seem to be a shitshow in Ryan and Sarah’s house in the sense that they just moved in and also they have no jobs and four kids.  I have to wonder if they were hoping to get a show of their own, because Ryan’s job prospects sound limited to “talking to” a few people in a few places.  I have to mention that Tamra marvels that Ryan, her unemployed son, can change a diaper on his baby daughter.  Tamra, stop it.  I get that you think church is the answer for these two, but I’m not sure I buy it.

 

Ryan on Church: What’s the membership fee? 

 

Over on Meghan’s Stepmom Journey we’ve finally reached acceptance.  Meghan has just been pushing Hayley the ne’er-do-well away with all her “rules and guidelines.  It also takes a lot of pressure off Meghan to just relax and do organic facial scrubs rather than insist Hayley complete high school.  Phew.

 

Hayley on chicken teriyaki: I threw it up and now it scares me.

 

Brooks and Vicki summon Tamra to the room they never sit in to display Brooks's (almost certainly bogus) medical records.  They hand a mysterious document to Tamra knowing that they might as well have given her something in Cyrillic.  Vicki stands by, somber like a beset upon saint. She practically begs Tamra to back her up, promising, “When you’re weak, I will be your warrior.”  Vicki is on the ropes.

 

In the little snippet amidst the commercials in the show’s second half, Brooks makes a show of taking a bunch of pills which are clearly herbal supplement gel caps full of beige powder.  It’s almost like he wants us to know that he knows we know he is full of shit.

 

Guess what?  Heather and Terry’s show turned out fine in the end.  Surprise!

 

Vicki grouptexts everyone that Brooks has had a Pet scan and has masses in his abdomen. Meghan pokes holes in this story immediately and everyone has to admit that something’s not adding up.  Shannon is pissed she wasn’t offered Tamra’s deal.  Tamra wonders, “Why did she single me out?  Did she know I couldn’t read (it)?”   Together they moan, what can we do about it?  Nothing, they agree.  Except, of course, talk about it on television.

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